Valetta, Malta

Chameleon, Uganda

Oporto

Leiden by night

Why it seems difficult to make friends in the Netherlands

When I meet expats I am always curious to know what they think of the Netherlands, and one issue that has always come up is the one of making friends. Even though they have plenty of contact with Dutch people, it seems to be hard to get in their group of friends and still end up having mostly other expat friends.

Being Dutch I think there are several reasons that might explain why it might be difficult for an expat to make ´native´ Dutch friends. First of all, Dutch people don`t have the necessity to make new friends. This phenomenon is quite universally known among expats and the people of the country in which they live. When an expat arrives he is unlikely to know a lot of people, maybe he doesn´t even know the language, whereas his autochthonus collegues have spent their entire lives there and already have lots of friends to do stuff with, family to visit and gym`s to go to. Therefore they simply don`t feel as much need to make new friends as an expat does. That´s why it is much and much easier to make friends with your fellow expats. You share the need to make new friends and maybe even more important – you share the experience of living in a country that is not your own. 

The second reason why it is hard for many expats is – yes I will say it – the cultural difference. Dutch people can be very direct and this eventually leads to a quite clear definition of the word `friend`. In many countries a friend is someone you know, someone you hang out with every once in a while. Although the Netherlands formally doesn´t have a very hierarchical society, informally the Dutch make a big difference between an acquaintance and a friend. A Dutch person might have between 5-20 friends. This might not be a lot, yet these friends are the ones they have known for a long time and they would trust completely. Anyone else they will simply refer to as somebody they know, work with or they have once met.

Now you have to understand that just because they don´t refer to you as their friend, does not change the relationship. In a lot of countries the word `friend` is to the Dutch standards overused and this person is probably just someone you know. They will run into this person on the street and say ¨Oh we should totally get a coffee some time!¨ and then walk away without any intention of contacting that person again in the near future. They would always tell me that even though they call them their friends, they know exactly who their real friends are and who are not. In other words, the label you put on a relation might be different from the label a Dutch person puts on the relationship, but that doesn`t mean a they don`t like hanging out with you.

Another point is that in the Netherlands there is not really a big culture of inviting people over for dinner, as there might be in a lot of other countries. However when they do invite you over, they truly mean it. No invitation or suggestion to have a cup of coffee together is meant to sound nice. And when you ask a Dutch person if they want to have lunch on friday and they say ¨I will see if I can make it¨, they don´t politely try to let you down. You will honestly hear again from them in the next following days.

Although it may seem difficult, it is definitely not impossible to make Dutch `friends`. The advantage for expats is that pretty much all Dutch people speak English, and I think as soon as you are able to look past the Dutch directness and the fact that they may or may not call you their friends, it should not be such a big issue to socialize with the Dutch.

 

Berlin

Street art – Costa Rica

Ugandan wedding ceremony

                                             A Ugandan bride at her pre wedding ceremony

 

Ugandan mother and daughter

¨I am teaching my daughter how to peel bananas. Back in the village I would do this every day with my sisters. I don´t know why but she is really struggling with it! ¨

¨Don´t worry, I am sure she will learn¨

¨But you don´t understand – she is already 9 years old!¨

What it`s really like to be an exchange student

¨ Culture refers to the cumulative deposit of knowledge, experience, beliefs, values, attitudes, meanings, hierarchies, religion, notions of time, roles, spatial relations, concepts of the universe, and material objects and possessions acquired by a group of people in the course of generations through individual and group striving. ¨

 

 

Looking at pictures from exchange students, it looks like a lot of fun. And it is. But the thing people don´t really mention is, is that it´s really hard. Going somewhere, without knowing anyone, knowing anything about the culture. Sure, you read about it, people tell you about it. But nobody realizes how deep a culture goes. How hard it is to do something that you have been doing for the past 17 years, differently. Most of the cultural things you don’t even realize. It goes so incredibly deep and you have no idea. It doesn’t just go from country to country, it´s different in every family, depending on social status, religion, etc. etc.

I got into somewhat of a clash with the Panamanian culture some weeks ago. The things I had done with my good intentions were not the way it was wished, but I didn’t realize this until after it was already too late. This culture is not a big fan of directness and confrontations, where for me those are not a big problem and I consider them to learn from, but it was hard for me to hear all those things that I had done wrong without having the slightest idea it has ever bothered someone.

People think an exchange is hard because of being away from your friends and family. Ofcourse that is true, but I think a big part of that is because you know the way of communication that your friends and family have. You understand them and they understand you, and that´s great. It’s a big step going away from all of that and starting over on your own. I clearly remember me and some other exchange students were talking about these girls who already went home because according to them, they weren´t ready for it, to which someone said ¨Honestly, nobody really is ready for this. You just go with it.¨  And it´s true. Trust me.

I am not really sure what to say because I am not really sure how I feel. Now I changed families, again. It was not the way I expected. This whole year. I thought I would get a great bond with my family, that I would learn Spanish superfast, that people would be so interested, but that’s not how it works. Sometimes it just doesn’t work, and I tried my best for what I knew at the time. I felt good there and I am grateful for the time I spent there in Vista Alegre, but right now this new family is definitely the best thing for me. Spanish is as I wrote before also harder as it seems, and I do speak it, I just expected way and way more from myself. And people are just not always interested. They are just not…

All in all, this is a great experience. The best experience of my life? Maybe. Hopefully life has a lot more coming for me. In any case I am extremely grateful to have been able to do this and I did learn a lot, in so many ways, much more than I imagined. I hope I don’t seem to depressed or hateful. This is just the truth. People deserve to hear more than just the pretty exchange student stories.